Part One

Thirty-two years and counting, I should really give up the ghost of obsessive lust.  I am sure ‘Lauren’*, the women of this fantasy, if she knew would be calling the cops to have me banged up.  Fortunately, ‘Jennifer’* the real love of my life, isn’t too worried about this period in my past!   However, in my defence, your honour, this obsession has driven me to achieve many positive things in my life.  In this blog, I shall plead my case for innocence.  You may either choose to acquit or send me to the gallows.

In a blog a couple of years ago, I discussed an incident back in the summer of ‘92, which was the catalyst for a complete turnaround of my self-perception.  I was back home in Winchester, from Liverpool Poly, for the Summer holidays and needed to pay off my bar tab up there!  So, I resumed a cleaning job at Winchester Hospital for these 3 months  Whilst there, I heard two of Lauren’s colleagues gossiping about a letter I had sent Lauren a few months earlier.. 

In the 1990 Easter vacation, Lauren and I first met in a hazy mist in the A & E Department over a practical joke and mistaken identity.  Back then, I was not the cheeky chap I am now, and the conversation between Lauren and myself flowed like an elephant with constipation.  She did her best to have light brief chats with me during the working days.  However, at that time in my life, any little bit of female attention, caused me to read ‘War and Peace into the ‘Daily Sport’!  Fortunately, I had the insight to realise there was less chance of us becoming romantically involved than Crystal Palace winning ‘The European Cup’.  My lustful thoughts used to manifest whenever Lauren came into sight, so much so that I used to do a very good impression of a great blues song ‘Shakin’ All Over’ (more about my love for the blues and how this has helped me mentally, in a future blog later this year).

After about eighteen months of Lauren living inside my head, I was back up north in my Oxton bedsit in November ‘91 when I had the bright idea of writing to her to explain why I was acting strangely around her; that I wanted to get to know her as a friend but that I knew it would go nowhere romantically.  I naively thought that maybe this would help break the ice.

The following summer, I found out that sending the letter had been as much use as a Tory Government COVID strategy.  One day, I was having lunch in the hospital canteen when I overheard two nurses discussing my letter.  Okay, to be honest, I was not expecting a positive response given what it was about, and maybe their reaction was typical of the conclusions many others would have come to.  Hung, drawn, and quartered would be the best way to describe what they thought should happen to people like me.  I felt like a criminal for having a harmless crush on someone and wanting to be their friend.

Yes, some readers will maybe think of rabbit stew, from the film ‘Fatal Attraction’, and believe that I am sort of fantasist or stalker.  The truth being that I was socially isolated as all my friends were either in Liverpool or Portsmouth.  I just wanted a friend in Winchester.

I believe that we are shaped by the images that are reflected at us through the media.  The likes of Piers Morgan and the Daily Mail brigade would call this lefty liberal trash and think that we all have choices in life, and it is down to the individual which way they decide to turn.  This is fair enough, and I am not condoning stalking in any way.  I just feel, that as a society, we need to try and understand the reasons why people initially reach out to others and need to be answered directly, but in a nice way, rather than be gossiped about.  This would help prevent a lot more fixations and antisocial behaviour happening in the first place.

In my next blog, I will be outlining film and television drama, as well as musical evidence to support my plea for innocence.

Jarmin Apple

May 2022

* Not their real names

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